


Size Matters

by AMidnightDreary, Rabentochter



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Canon Divergence - Post-Avengers (2012), Clint Barton is an idiot, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Domestic Avengers, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Fluffy Ending, Happy Ending, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Loki (Marvel) Does What He Wants, M/M, Sassy, Tony Stark Does What He Wants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:35:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26613067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AMidnightDreary/pseuds/AMidnightDreary, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rabentochter/pseuds/Rabentochter
Summary: Clint makes a comment about how Tony's size is making him bottom in Loki and his relationship by default. Tony and Loki decide to teach him a lesson.
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark
Comments: 64
Kudos: 358





	Size Matters

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by real events, written in an hour of pure madness and joy.

Tony had heard a lot of bullshit in his days. It started with, “You’re stupid, Tony,” to “Why are you even _here_ ,” to, “You shouldn’t blow up the lab,” to, “You aren’t the type to lay down on the wire bla bla.” And now the bullshit ended with, “Stark’s bottoming,” from Clint. 

“‘Scuse me,” he said with an arched brow. The Avengers had an evening out in some bar, Loki had been left at home, preferring the company of his books over them and that was fine, but Tony had missed hanging out with his friends. Just uh, _Birdbrain?_ “I’m _what_?” 

“Bottoming,” Clint repeated without a shame and even chugged his beer. “With Loki. Obviously. Not like it’s a big secret.” 

So the thing was that Tony wasn’t a secretive person when it came to sex but he still didn’t like hearing _this_. “And what,” he said sweetly, “makes you think I’m the one who _bottoms_ in my relationship?” 

And what Clint said, Tony would never ever in his fucking entire life forget. He really wouldn’t. It was too stupid and he felt his heart die and probably most of his braincells said goodbye as well. Just, _no._

"You're shorter than him."

Tony stared. He couldn't really do anything else, so he stared. Clint kind of deserved an award for that, because making Tony speechless was goddamn difficult, but before that he deserved — well, a kick in the ass, maybe, or a lesson in, you know, basic human decency? Or intelligence, perhaps?

Because yeah, that was the stupidest fucking thing Tony had ever heard.

"I'm shorter than him?" he echoed, and if his voice was a little higher than usual, yeah, that was because of the outrage. "I'm bottoming because I'm _shorter than him?"_

"Clint," Natasha said, sounding somewhere between stunned and annoyed. "Do you really—"

"No," Tony stopped her, holding up a finger. "Thanks, Nat, but this is my battle. I'm _shorter than him,_ fucking hell."

"Uh," Steve said. "I'm not — not trying to be rude, but you definitely _are—"_

"Of course I'm shorter than him!" Tony interrupted, and this was so ridiculous that he had to laugh. "He's literally a giant and I'm—"

"You're tiny," Thor chimed in.

"— the average height for an American male, thank you very much, and _why on Earth would that keep me from topping?"_

“Because you’re too small.” Clint made a _duh_ face. “I get it, you want to save your face, Tony. Truly, I do. But it is how it is.” 

“Yes,” Tony said and he stared at the beer in his hand. “It is how it is.” He stood up in one swift movement. “I suppose I’ll go home to Loki now to get my ass rawed by him.”

_“EW!”_

“What?” Tony replied with an innocent face and put a $50 note on the table. “You started it.” With that, he left, feeling absolutely no remorse at all not for not paying for the others as he usually did. Should the others pay Thor’s tab for once. 

He was too short to pay probably anyway. 

—

“Loki, _darling?”_ Tony said as he came back home, his voice as sweet as honey. 

“Oh, I know that voice.” Loki looked up from behind his book. “What have you done, Anthony?” 

“Me? _Nothing.”_ He smiled and flattered his eyelashes. “But I can do _something_. I might be in need of your help though, Oh Master of Mischief.” 

“Mhm.” Loki put the book down. “Has this anything to do with that you’re home way earlier than you usually are?” 

"You're a master of deduction, too."

"Naturally." Loki sat up straighter, leaning against the headboard of their bed. "Come here, then. I am not complaining about you planning mischief, mind you, but I would still like to know why."

"You're going to love this," Tony said, climbing onto the bed as well. "No, actually you're going to hate this. It's kind of funny, though, in a really fucking appalling way. Clint's proved once again that he has like three working brain cells."

"Three? I thought the third one died when he told Natasha that he could beat her at Mario Kart."

"Yeah, right. So, two working brain cells. We were talking about our sex life—"

"As one does," Loki deadpanned.

"Yes, as one does, and then he said — he _said —_ you won't believe what he said — he said that I'm the bottom."

Loki looked at him blankly for a moment. "I'm not sure if I understand what the problem is," he said then. "You do bottom every once in a while."

"Yes, no, that's not the point. I didn't even get to tell them that we switch, the _point_ is that he _said_ that I'm the bottom because I am _shorter than you."_

Tony watched his lover intently and he didn’t regret it, he only mourned seeing five of his numerous brain cells die. 

“Because you’re _shorter_ than me.” 

“Yes.” 

“You are right, as much as I hate to say it.” Loki snorted bitterly. “I don’t think I’ve heard such bullshit in a while.” 

“Right?” 

Loki nodded and Tony felt some weird satisfaction at that welling up in him. 

“What’s the plan?” 

“Well—” Tony started with a grin. “How about we do this.” 

He told Loki of the plan, feeling validated as the Trickster started to smile and added his own spin to the plan that would make it truly, _truly_ mischievous and all the more fun for them. 

Clint would see what Tony’s size could do. 

Or couldn’t. 

—

To get into the role for tomorrow, Tony decided to do as he’d promised in the bar, and let Loki fuck him in their bed. Perhaps they had a bit too much fun there too because it took Tony a while until his giggles turned into moans but – worth it. 

He couldn’t wait until tomorrow and going by Loki’s grin, he couldn’t either. 

—

It wasn't often that Tony joined the other Avengers in the kitchen for breakfast, and Loki joined them even more rarely, so it was safe to say that the entire team was a _tiny_ bit alarmed when they both entered the kitchen. Nobody said a word, but Tony could all but feel the wariness hanging in the air.

"Come here, darling," Loki said sweetly, pulling out a chair for Tony. "Coffee?"

"Yeah, please," Tony said and sat down. Immediately he winced and squirmed a little, making a face. "Ouch."

"You okay there, Tony?" Steve asked, because bless him, he was worried _and_ clueless.

"Oh, yes, sure," Tony hurried to say. "I'm just a little, you know, _sensitive._ From last night."

Everybody stared at him. Even Thor stopped eating his poptart. Tony was sure that they could all tell by his tone that something was up. Bruce looked a bit like he was too tired to deal with this shit, but judging by the twitch of her lips, Nat was not far away from smirking.

Clint cleared his throat. _He_ just looked uncomfortable. "I, uh. Look, Tony, I wanted to apologize for what I said last night? It, er, it's been brought to my attention that—"

"Oh, no," Loki said, setting a mug in front of Tony on the table. "No, there's no reason to apologize. In fact, we wanted to thank you. We have been wondering for quite a while why Anthony is simply _incapable_ of fucking me, and you finally made sense of it."

“Yes.” Tony sighed. “Who would have known it’s my _size_ which would cause this unique problem.” He took the mug and pouted. “It’s truly _unfair_.” 

“No, it’s not, Anthony.” Loki patted his hand. “I’m tall, I’m not supposed to bottom. It might shrink my cock.” 

Another sigh from Tony. “Of course, we can’t have that. I enjoy your cock just _so much_ , it has the perfect size.” He took a sip from his coffee, sighing anew to drive the point home just how _tragic_ it was that he was shorter than Loki and not born with endless long legs. 

“Guys, would you—” Steve cleared his throat. “Not during breakfast, please?” 

“Sure, Capsicle.” Tony put his mug down and turned towards Loki. “But my ass really hurts, can you grab me another pillow for it?” 

"Oh, of course, my dear. Given that it is technically my fault." Loki summoned a thick pillow and handed it to Tony, who placed it on the chair beneath him. "Better?"

"Yes, much," Tony answered. He wanted to take a sip of coffee, but then he suddenly put his mug down, looking at Loki out of wide eyes. "Wait, I'm taller now, aren't I? Does that mean I can top now?"

Loki frowned. "Oh, I'm not sure." He turned to Clint. "What do you say, hm? Given that this is your area of expertise."

Clint had gone a little red in the face. He visibly swallowed. "Guys," he said, weakly. "Really, I get it, what I said was dumb, I just thought —"

"Well, I think this isn't enough to let you top," Loki talked over him, obviously not willing to let Clint get out of this so easily. "That would mean you could just wear high heels and suddenly you'd be able to fuck me. And, well, that would be ridiculous."

"Yeah, that really would be ridiculous," Tony agreed. He pretended to mull it over. "Can I fuck you while I'm in my suit? I'm just as tall as you like that."

Loki made a face. "I don't mean to offend you, love, but I don't think I would enjoy all that… iron."

"But Loki," Tony said, feigning surprise, "it's not about what you _enjoy._ It's about your _size."_

“But you wearing an Iron Man suit is not _your size,_ but the one of the suit.” 

“The suit and me are one.” 

“Debatable.”

Tony tsk’ed. “The suit and me are one, therefore we share the size, ergo I can be taller than you in the suit which would give me the right to fuck you because otherwise—” He tilted his head, frowning. “Your cock would fall off? Is that what happens when the smaller party tries to top?” 

“I’m fond enough of my cock as _not_ to try it.” 

Tony didn’t know what was riding him next. Certainly not Loki, although that was for sure a wonderful image. He had to run it by him later. 

But he got up from his chair which wasn’t an easy feat with a hurting ass and _two pillows_ and stood on the table. 

“I’m taller now.” 

“Tony, you’re standing on your plate,” Natasha threw in. “And the strawberry jam is next to you. I don’t care about your size, I _will_ kill you if you shatter the glass.” 

"Oi, you don't care about my size? But I thought my size was all that mattered?"

"Loki," Bruce said, his voice a little muffled because he was massaging the bridge of his nose, "could you please get your boyfriend off the table?"

"No, I don't think so," Loki said. "I quite like him on the table. I'd prefer bending him over the table over having breakfast with you, actually."

"It's a pity I can't bend _you_ over the table," Tony said wistfully, his hands on his hips.

"It really is," Loki said. "I do think I would enjoy that."

"These are things I don't want to hear," Thor said, but nobody cared.

"Maybe I should shapeshift myself smaller?" Loki suggested. "That would solve our problem."

"Yeah, but you're missing an important point," Tony said.

"Which is?"

"Guys, please," Steve tried again, but nobody cared about that, either.

"I _love_ that you're taller than me," Tony said, looking down at Loki sadly. "Your long legs are a fucking gift."

"That is true," Loki said. "I'd rather keep them this long, I think, and I would like to keep my cock from falling off, too. Tell me, Clint, do you know a way Tony could fuck me without upsetting the rules of nature?"

By now, Clint had his head in his hands. "Tony, just go and screw him, please."

“Clint, _my cock!”_ Tony gasped, his hands flew to his heart as if to protect it from hearing these outrageous words. “Do you want it to fall off?” 

“Tony, oh god, _please_ , just—” Clint waved with his hands. “Just, fuck him.” 

“I can’t risk my cock,” Tony decided and sat down on the table. He was still taller than Loki but now he had the advantage that he could make a point out of cutting a grimasse because of the _pain_ in his _ass._ “You explained the inexplicable to us, Clint. Now go and solve it for us because we don’t have enough experience or wisdom to solve it ourselves.” 

“You know,” Natasha said and Tony _heard_ the laugh in her voice, “he has a point, Clint.” 

“That’s not fair, Nat.” 

“Tony’s been born short, that’s not fair either.” 

“Hear, hear,” Tony heard Loki saying. 

Clint stared at them unhappily. 

Tony didn’t feel an ounce of pity for him. He’d shoveled his grave and now he had to lay in it or something along the lines. 

“You can fuck him if you fly around in your suit?” Clint suggested. 

"Still not fond of all that iron," Loki drawled.

"Gold titanium alloy, actually," Tony said.

"Same difference."

"We can put Tony into a stretching… machine?" Clint said, wincing.

"A stretching machine," Loki repeated. "How creative. I don't wish to hurt my lover, thank you."

"Well, sometimes you like hurting me," Tony said. "But I guess a stretching machine would be a bit too much. My bones won't get any longer, anyway."

Loki sighed. "Then I suppose we are stuck with you bottoming for the rest of long, long lives."

"I had no idea what I was talking about," Clint said, pressing the balls of his hands against his eyes. "Okay? Loki, I just thought, you know, because you're tall and intimidating and dangerous —"

"Anthony doesn't deserve to fuck me," Loki finished, suddenly not very amused anymore. "Yes, you made that quite clear."

"For the record," Tony said, "I'm intimidating and dangerous, too."

"You can't even sit properly because your butt is hurting that much," Bruce told him.

"Then I will be intimidating and dangerous while standing on my feet."

Clint groaned. "Look, I've just never slept with a man before, how am I supposed to know —"

"If you don't know anything about a topic," Loki said, "you are supposed to keep your mouth shut and educate yourself before saying stupid things."

"And don't tell other people what their sex life should be like," Tony added. He put a finger into the strawberry jam and lifted it to his lips, knowing perfectly well that Loki was watching him. He threw him a wink before he sucked it into his mouth, moaning obscenely, gave it another strong suck before he pulled it out of his mouth. “Because people will get hurt and then rub it all over your face how idiotic you are.” 

“I’m sorry,” Clint groaned, hiding his face behind his hands. “Now, are we good?” 

Tony weighed his options. “Maybe. That’ll depend on how intimidating you think I am.” 

“That’s a trap question, isn’t it?” Clint asked with a tiny voice. 

“Of course it is,” Tony replied with a grin. “But you should answer it anyway.” 

Clint closed his eyes and wore the look of a man who was sent to walk the plank. “Tony, you’re not intimidating but you can be _terrifying.”_

“Terrifying.” Tony nodded slowly. “Yes, I think I’ll take that. Congratulations, Clint, you may have grown another brain cell, I’m so proud of you.” He dipped his finger into the strawberry jam again. “This is addictive.” 

“You owe me at least two now.” 

“No, Clint owes them to you.” Tony grinned at her. “I’m sure he’s tall enough to buy them for you by himself.” He stuck his finger into his mouth again and grabbed Loki’s hand. "We'll be off now, I think."

"Yes," Loki said, standing up at once. "I have to admit that the plug is getting a little uncomfortable. I'd like to go back to bed. Would you prefer me on my back or on my hands and knees?"

"Just _go,"_ Clint, Natasha and Bruce said all at once. 

Thor was too busy pretending that he was somewhere else, and Steve looked a bit like he was praying for patience.

Tony laughed and tugged at Loki's hand, and Loki laughed as well and, bless him and his magic, teleported them right into their bedroom. Immediately, Tony pulled him down for a deep and long kiss, although they had to interrupt it a few times because they had to laugh.

"Actually," Tony said in one of the pauses, laughing breathlessly, "I want you to ride me."

"Oh," Loki said, and his smile was _devious_. And wonderful. "I think that can be arranged."


End file.
